It's sad to me that the last time I was on here I was announcing my pregnancy with baby #2. This time I'm here to announce the loss of baby #2. It's the thing that every pregnant woman fears, whether she realizes it or not. I know that I worried about it sometimes, and wondered how I might feel if it were to happen, but deep down inside thought it couldn't happen to me. I was wrong.
For those interested (and because I don't like to talk aloud about it, but feel the need to let it out), here's the story:
On Friday night, January 30th, I went to the bathroom and found the tiniest amount of blood. I really didn't think anything of it since that is normal in many pregnancies. When I woke up Saturday morning there was more blood. Not a lot, but definitely more. I called the hospital who would page my doctor and then she would call me. I waited an hour and 15 minutes, but she never called. During that wait the bleeding went from not so bad, to bad, to worse. So I called the operator again and she patched me straight through to my doctor, who said in a motherly voice that almost made me cry, "I'm so sorry honey, but you need to get to the ER immediately."
I realize that even heavy bleeding can be "normal" in pregnancy and that there was no guarantee that anything was wrong, but I knew. When I look back on it, I knew before I even called the doctor the first time. It was one of those awful gut feelings that you hope with all your heart is wrong. I remember taking a shower that morning after first discovering more blood, and just standing there crying and praying that I was wrong.
Tory got home from work soon after the doctor told me to go to the hospital. He had worked overnight the night before and was exhausted, but he took me to the ER. We got there around 1:45pm, and waited for a few hours before I was taken to a room. Luckily both our moms came out to help with Tyler and to be with us that day.
Once I got to my room I had a disgusting amount of blood taken- I remember joking with somebody, Mom or Tory I guess, asking why did they keep sticking my arm for more when they could just put a bowl under me and collect as much as they needed. (Am I like Chandler, in that I mask my pain with humor?? I just thought of that.)
A technician came in eventually to take me to get 2 different ultrasounds done. That was extremely difficult. She told me that she couldn't give me results, so there I was staring at the screen trying to make out what it meant, but of course, unable to read the stupid black and white images. Not to mention vaginal ultrasounds hurt like hell!
At one point I almost lost it and was begging the nurse to just tell me what was going on. I think that was around 9pm. I just went out of my mind with panic after hours of tests and not being told anything. She told me that she was sorry, but she had no information for me, which made me even worse. I knew that somebody out there had the results of my ultrasounds, and I wanted them! I still don't think it's fair to make a 12 week pregnant bleeding woman wait in the ER for over 6 hours before telling her what's going on. Unfortunately, the time spent waiting gave me time to get my hopes up. I had known that morning what happened, and now I thought (hoped) I might be wrong.
Eventually the doctor came back in, around 10:30pm, to tell me the news. Earlier in the day I started crying when he first came to see me, and when he asked why I told him I thought my baby was gone. He told me at the time to not think negatively. Now here he was again to confirm my worst fear. He told me that my uterus was completely empty and "normal". I heard "normal" and thought of how awful that word was in relation to an empty uterus. It was anything but normal to me!
After another pelvic exam, some meds to slow the bleeding, and yet another exam to see if the bleeding had slowed, I was allowed to go home. I think we got home at 1am, but I was in a daze and don't remember much after talking to the doctor.
That was 3 weeks ago tomorrow. I still cry when I really think about it, and it is very hard for me to see pregnant women and little babies, but I'm much better than I was at first. I am truly grateful for my son and my husband. Without either of them I don't know that I could have come through this.
Even though I don't understand the whys, I know that God is in control and everything happens for a reason. I know that one day, when the time is right, we will add to our family, and I look forward to that time with all of my heart.
My baby brother is all grown up! Nick joined the Coast Guard last week. It's hard for me to believe he's old enough to do such a thing. He'll be leaving for boot camp sometime in September, and then of course he'll be stationed just about anywhere on earth! It's really strange knowing that Nick won't always be here. I know he's doing what he wants to do, and he'll be great at whatever he puts his mind to, but it's still sad and I will miss that kid more than I think he knows.
